80% of my posts the last few years have been about "returning" to xanga after a long hiatus. this is yet another one of thos posts.
perhaps because i spent all night crying whil re-reading a play that we opened this past weekend. after 6 weeks of rehearsal, and 4 weeks of wishing the play was honored better, i re-read the script from beginning to end. typically, when you get a script you're about to read for or perform in, you only read your parts. then all the pertinent parts to your own character and your involvement in the grander scheme. then you read about the other characters and try to see how it all fits together. i've, of course, heard the play from beginning to end many many times. i've seen the play in cut and paste format throughout the six week rehearsal process. and i've seen a dozen run-thru's of the play. i've memorized all of my lines, and about half of everyone else's lines. i know the play.
but after opening weekend, and knowing that this play is supposed to be more, i read it again to myself. filled the words of each character with my own voice and my own thoughts and my own meaning. and with each page, my heart broke more and more.
i play a role that couldn't be more different from who i am (at least who i think i am). (actually, by virture of the parenthetical i added just there, it's confirmed.) the character i play is confidant. she knows herself very well. she also knows her place in this world, and navigates accordingly. this character is bold, and daring. and while i feel very chicken shit and often times "stuck" in my own bull shit circumstances, this character has been dealt a very complicated hand in life - and powers through all the bull shit. and still. even when she fights for herself, there are still things that can not be helped. no matter how hard you try, how hard you work, and how hard you wish. there will always be things that you can not attain.... and then the tragedy. and the tragedy in this particular tale is because she is in love. in love with someone who IS chicken shit. someone who - although is capable of a very deep and true love - also cares about the bull shit. someone who finds things very complicated because society says there are certain rules we must all follow. she is in love with someone who is weaker than she is, and less of a person than this person was born to be.
my character is in love with someone who is like me. and as i write this silly blog entry, i see now how ironic this is. this was not even the intended path of this blog entry. at all. i was ready to talk about my discovery of the other characters, OTHER than the one i play. i had been so busy focusing on my own character that i hadn't even realized how tragic it is that i am actually the other sad characters in this play. and i am playing someone i wish i was. and the cause of her sad tragedy is because of someone who i actually AM.
people say that "love" is a universal language. and it is when you don't judge it. i watched several movies this past weekend: Children of Men, About Schmidt, LA Confidential, and Boys Don't Cry. all these movies are about love and loss. or loss then love. and a whole lot of bull shit getting in the way. either way, i don't see how either are independant of the other. if you truly love, you will experience loss. and if you've experienced loss.... well.
and in actuality, well, aren't ALL stories about love and loss? and all the bull shit that gets in the way?
i feel like with each passing day, it becomes "too late" for something. it's always a "well, now it's too late." then the following year, you realize that it wasn't too late then!! but now it really IS too late. then the following year, you realize that THEN was not too late. but that NOW is. and then NOW it's too late. and then NOW. until you finally realize. what the fuck. it's never too late. and it NEVER becomes "more and more" too late. it just becomes something different. and different is okay. and sometimes, different is better. and often times, by then, that "difference" makes it more meaningful. and more important.
the play i'm doing is called "Sun Sisters" by Vasanti Saxena. i did a reading of this play about 8 months ago and fell in love. with the story, with the characters, with the words. this is a very powerful and moving piece of literature. it is now finally being produced and i am so honored. and lucky. please do try to catch this play if you are able. it's in downtown, Los Angeles at the Alexandria Hotel by Company of Angels (CoA). http://companyofangels.org/
this clip is really funny. i don't know how they do it, but they come up with the craziest shit. AND.... i have a short cameo appearance in this vid ;) and it's not at all offensive! well, kinda. but not really. i guess if you speak chinese it might be. but only a little. [pls comment and dis/like on the youtube page!!]
i had lunch with some friends, and one of my dear friends casually reveals that her ex had just gotten engaged and that she had been crying and grieving over this the last few days. yikes!
she is currently in a very loving relationship and she has never been happier than she is now with her new boyfriend. she really was in a good place. and then this bit of news about her ex kinda came and put all this blissful happiness to a halt. so there are several possible reasons for this outburst of grief and agony. i was trying to flesh it all out with my current beau just now while he was on his laptop at my desk. after about ten minutes of one-way hashing, i asked him "are you busy working? maybe i should just blog about this to process. i blogged the other day, so i'm thinking about getting back" and he slowly got up from the desk, walked over to my laptop and laid it gently next to me and went back to his computer.
ok, so my friend was able to articulate this sudden outburst of sadness. rather eloquently. it was not that she had been hoping that they would get back together, or anything like that. she was grieving a part of her history. a big part of her past that is now nearing closure. and it's a different closure than when you first break up. i immediately understood what she was talking about. as of now, almost every ex i know of is either engaged or married. (actually, there's one who's not either, but he has a gf i can tell from his fb pictures that they're going to get engaged soon. they look so cloyingly happy together.) this means two things: i only date guys who are not commitment-phobic, and i'm hella old. (sigh.) i'm getting off topic. the point is, i realized that you can grieve without having lost some kind of hope for some future materialization of some hopeful expectation. the first time i found out one of my exes was getting married, i felt weird. just weird. i felt feelings i had never felt before, and it didn't feel good. and i didn't know why i was feeling them. but my friend articulated it so well today!! i was grieving those passionate three months of my life that i had devoted so selflessly to another being in this world. duh! it makes sense right?
i asked her if she told her current boyfriend about this malaise that she's been feeling, and she said no. and i encouraged her NOT to tell him about these feelings. and that felt weird for me to say. i am ALWAYS for open communication. your partner should know how you're feeling ALWAYS. there should be no secrets, and both people should be open books to one another. i still believe that. however, in this particular situation, i don't see any good coming from this kind of candidness. there will be no bonding. he will be unable to provide comfort. how is he supposed to feel and how is he supposed to process her pain? it'll just be WEIRD. and of course, you run the risk of him not being able to understand and separate the "grieving a part of one's past" and the "grieving that my ex boyfriend is gone forever and now there's no chance that we'll ever get married!!" i find that, as a woman who is outside of this situation, i was able to understand where my friend was coming from, and her explanation of her feelings made total sense. but to be quite honest, i don't really trust guys to be able to understand. ESPECIALLY the guy that's IN the current relationship. i mean - wouldn't the current boyfriend get all ego and get competitive and pissed off? can guys even comprehend the concept of "JUST grieving of one's past, nothing more"? and i'm not talking about your sappy, korean-drama-loving, romantic, "lover not a fighter" type of guy. i'm talking about normal guys.
anyway, i've finally found something you should NOT reveal to your significant other. if there's one, there must be more. i think i'll start making a list.
--and seriously, is NO ONE watching that video about amy chua i posted a couple of days ago??
it's almost been a year since my last update (and visit) on xanga. ok, now on to amy chua. i was recently asked on fb what my thoughts were on amy chua. since the infamous wsj article, i've listened to several amy chua interviews, read the LA times and NY times response articles, blog entries, and a few hundred comments ripping her apart. man, sucks to have a flashy misleading headline totally color the content of your writing. the "amy chua" fiasco is so much more about ourselves than about her opinions on parenting. if you reread the same WSJ article but it had the title "I'm Chinese and This Is How I Raised My Kids,' the responses would've been totally different. sure, you'd still get the "i'm chinese and i was totally raised that way" and the "i'm chinese and i was NOT raised that way" - but she addresses that she is painting the term "western" parenting and "chinese" parenting with a broad brush. let's get over the PC bull shit and just get to her point. she was raised a certain way by her chinese mother. she is continuing the tradition of her mother's parental style and some aspects of this style are effective. period. she inserts a lot of color and some fun stereotypes, but come on. take some of those liberties with a grain of salt. i actually agree with a lot of what she has to say. not all of it, but a lot of it. i'm korean with very atypical parents. they never disciplined me, never made me do my homework or take any sort of "lessons." they coddled me until i began to needlessly rebel in my teenage years, and now i'm an adult who can't seem to find herself commit to anything that feels like "work." do i wish my parents took some initiative and forced me to take piano lessons beyond one summer? (i lied. my cousin gave me piano lessons the summer between my 4th and 5th grade, and then i quit.) do i wish they enforced some sort of studying regimen so that when i went to college, i wasn't immediately placed on academic probation after my first quarter? do i wish they saw how much i was attracted to ballet and tap dance when i was 7 and enrolled me in some dance classes so i'd be able to at least put that on my resume? (disappointingly, "clubbing for 5+ years" does not qualify as "dance experience.")
ok, i'm just bitching now. the point is, i've read a lot of blogs/articles from people giving testimony about how horribly strict and "tiger mother" their mothers were. and how it's been traumatic and how they're all fucked up because of it. look, i'm from the other side of the spectrum and let me tell you - it'd be nice to be able to say that i put in my 10,000 hours before i was college-bound. obviously, it's all about BALANCE. but it really bothers me to hear people accuse amy chua of not being a good parent because she's not showing her children love, or giving them a chance to develop social skills to succeed in life. uhhhh..... how the hell do you know that? because they're not allowed to go to sleep-overs???? i went to sleep-overs, and i still have a stuttering problem!! SO THERE!!! people are drawing these inane conclusions and friggin publishing them. it's totally embarrassing and this fiasco reeks of shirley sherrod. not quite as awful, but i see the pattern: a person's racist, evil words are taken out of context and the public attacks, attacks, attacks!!! THE WHOLE POINT OF AMY CHUA'S BOOK is that her 13-yr old daughter whooped her ass when it came to "parenting," and that she learned that this tiger mother parenting may NOT have been the best way to raise her kids. now this "point" is very different from the "chinese mothers are superior" splashy headline the WSJ gave her article.
people will probably still hold onto what they believe. and amy chua will be defending her name and her position for a very long time. defending herself against accusations that are skewed and completely off point. this whole "fiasco" is just about the hype and our relentless need to judge and feel better about our moral selves. it's not about amy chua.
in response to this fiasco, the 18 Mighty Mountain Warriors have produced a comedy sketch to somewhat illustrate the need for the public to take a strong stance and just run with it. (in this case, run very very far far far away with it...) enjoy!
i was going over my headshots a couple of nights ago. i was aching over which ones to print (out of 600 shots). choosing the right headshot is really important bc each photograph is like an additional investment of $100!!
me: so which one is more "me." H: ummm.. i don't know. they're both "you." but they're both so different. me: ok, well what does each one say about me? H: well, in this one you look like a slut. and in this one, you're like... a clown. ok, so i guess you're a slutty clown! me: ... H:
i was grieving those passionate three months of my life that i had devoted so selflessly to another being in this world. duh! it makes sense right?
